Feedback conversations are labelled as “difficult” and require “candor”.  Unfortunately these labels set the scene for adversarial encounters where neither the feedback giver or receiver feels they’ve been heard.

To diffuse feedback events we encourage receivers not to respond candidly or seek clarification in the moment.   Rather receivers are expected to graciously acknowledge feedback, think on it, and follow-up later for clarification. In reality the follow-up rarely happens and when it does, often leaves one or both parties frustrated and disillusioned.

I’ve been involved in feedback sessions where the giver was aggressive and more focused on proving they were right than having a constructive conversation.  I’ve also had feedback sessions where the receiver was defensive and more focused on proving they were right than having a constructive conversation.  The cycle of emotional escalation damages the relationship.

I’ve found the most destructive feedback sessions to be those where the conversation doesn’t take place at all. I’ve received feedback from some managers that, “Your too x…”, or “Don’t do y…”. Without the opportunity to ask questions and engage in a coaching conversation I’ve lost confidence and second-guessed myself. I’ve only regained confidence in myself and my abilities when I’ve ignored the feedback and followed my gut.

Delaying feedback exploration is not the answer. If both the giver and receiver approach feedback as a constructive conversation, rather than a difficult or candid one, feedback can be explored in the moment.  The key is to pause and reflect before speaking.

Stephen R. Covey wrote about the space between Stimulus and Response.  In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response.

Feedback Receivers:

• Assume good intentions of the giver.  Feedback is an opportunity to get insights into how others perceive you.  It’s not always a reflection on you.
• It’s OK to ask for clarification during the feedback event.
• You don’t have to act on every piece of feedback.  It’s your responsibility to weigh up and select what’s most applicable to your development.

Feedback Givers:

• Forster a relationship of trust where two-way feedback is given frequently.
• Your intention should be to advance the receiver’s professional development, not exert your authority over them.
• If you’re not prepared to stand by your feedback in the moment with relevant examples, should you really be giving that feedback?

Photo: Being a good tourist and taking in the sights at the S.E.A. Aquarium in Singapore.