I get a little worked up about the topic of “empathy” because I’ve had some bad experiences in this area.

Today’s leadership practices value empathy as a cornerstone quality of a great leader.  Through empathy leaders can forge strong bonds with their teams and build high functioning teams.

In my professional life I’ve worked under leaders with varying levels of empathy.  The most challenging have been leaders who honestly believe they show empathy but in reality, don’t.

Showing up for the big events only

One manager prized empathy as one of her strengths.  And when a team member went through a major life event she approached the situation with the right balance of care and consideration. She listened, connected and flexed to support the individual whether it be through a pregnancy, sick child or the death of a close family member.  However she didn’t demonstrate empathy when it really counted – in the day-to-day work:

• This individual was my peer for around 8 months and then my manager.  In our first 1:1 she launched directly into development plans and goal setting.  What I actually needed was a discussion about how we would work together given the changing dynamics of our relationship.  Our relationship didn’t recover from the absence of this conversation.
• My manager moved me off a work stream to give others the opportunity to work on this stream.  I wasn’t consulted about the change of work assignment or the rationale before the decision was announced.  Given the decision directly affected the work I was doing, I would have appreciated a conversation in advance so I knew of the pending change and the new work I would be assigned to.
• I was pressured into taking 2 days off each week to reduce my outstanding leave balance.  During this time my manager didn’t check-in to see how I was coping with reduced work hours.

Truly understanding a person

Empathy is about changing your paradigms; understanding someone as a person based on the experiences that have shaped them rather than using your own experiences to interpret that person.  When you don’t understand what drives another person, what seems right to you can be perceived as inappropriate by the other person.

I’m a private person and don’t need to be the center of attention.  So I don’t make a big deal about work or my personal life.  My manager is the opposite and thrives on being the center of attention.

When I first started taking two days off each week my manager made a public display of announcing my reduced work week to the team.  This put me on the spot and in the awkward position of explaining to the team why I was taking time off and what I was doing with my time.  While my manager thrives on this type of attention, I felt this was inappropriate and an invasion of my privacy. 

Pulling it together

Empathy is showing consideration each day for others and how they may be impacted by a situation.  That’s not the official definition, but rather how I see it.  The level of consideration needed and impact felt are different for each person, just as the social needs of an introvert are different to those of an extrovert.

Empathy is:

• Showing up each day for the little things, not just the major life events.
• Understanding a person based on their experiences, not on your own experiences.
• Respecting an individual’s personal boundaries, especially when they aren’t the same as your own.

Photo: For some reason I associate the colour green with empathy. Green grapes on the vine at Westbrook Vineyard in Auckland.