I’ve been going through a particularly rough patch in my professional life over the past two months.  The situation isn’t of my making but I’m the one who has to live through the consequences.  I’ve been doing what I can to get back on track but it’s never enough.  It’s not entirely within my control to resolve – I’m reliant on others – and frankly, it sucks.  There’s nothing more I want than to get out of this “funk” and move forward with my life.

Some days it’s really hard to stay positive.  I had a number of those days last week.  For a large chunk of last week I was angry, moody, frustrated, teary, aggressive, ungrateful and any other negative emotion you can think of.  The anger, uncertainty and fears for the future were constantly on the peripherals of my mind when they weren’t actively raging through my brain.  I didn’t even want to blog last week.  For me, blogging is therapeutic.  It’s how I order my thoughts and get things off my chest.  I managed to hack some dribble together but didn’t do my topic justice.  I was in a horrible place mentally and emotionally.  But somehow I came out of last week in a better mood.

Thursday and Friday were mental health days.  If I’m honest, Thursday was a day of wallowing, but I think I needed to let myself really feel the feelings I’d been struggling with earlier in the week.  I’d been waking up at a crazy hour each morning stressed out and teary.  I spent the majority of Thursday morning in bed or on the couch watching Netflix.  It was almost noon by the time I was up, showered and dressed.

Friday was another early morning wake-up.  B had the day off work so we had a lazy morning then went out for lunch.  It was great to get away from life for a couple of hours. I spent Friday afternoon working on a personal project – I’m making cushion covers for some 1950s style oak chairs that will go in the new house.  I finished sewing my first cushion cover.  I’m literally sewing 6 rectangular pieces of fabric and a zip together, but it was the first feeling of fulfillment and accomplishment I’ve had for the past two months.  It was an amazing feeling!!  I wish I could bottle that feeling and snort it when reality gets me down.

On Saturday night I had dinner with my sister and her friend.  It was an eye opener.  This friend was suicidal a couple of years ago (she had literally attempted to overdose) and is now running her own business!  It was a really good reminder for me of taking control of your life and making things happen for yourself.

I was in a much better mood when Sunday rolled around.  B and I slept in then drove up to the section to see the progress on our new house build.  I could feel I was a lot chattier on the ride to the section.  I can’t remember the last time I was that chatty and energetic.

After a week of emotional ups-and-downs, last week ended better than it started.  It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what shifted my mood, but I think it was a combination of spending time with people I care about (and who care about me) and doing something meaningful.

So what are my take-aways from last week?

• I don’t want to go back to the emotional ups-and downs of last week but sometimes you just need to feel the negative feelings before you can feel better.  Somehow you need to make sure you don’t stay in that state for too long.
• It’s ok to take timeout to focus on your emotional state, even if it means you stop doing the things that are supposed to get you out of the rut.
• I hate being dependent on others.  If I could get my professional life back on track myself I would do it in a heartbeat.  People suck.
• I need to try harder to maintain a higher baseline for my emotional state.  There’s a chapter in Tony Robbins “Awaken the Giant Within” that focuses on this.  I need to re-read that chapter.
• I need to work on my attitude.  It’s hard for me to see the positive in negative experiences, especially when I feel like I’m failing over and over again.

Photo: Dry, cracked ground in the height of summer.